Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
President Trump’s would-be neighbors in Palm Beach, Fla., are opposing his plan to move to his Mar-a-Lago resort after he leaves the White House next month, citing the 1993 agreement Trump signed converting the property from a private residence into a social club.
“What an interesting turn of events,” Jimmy Kimmel said Wednesday. “This started with Donald Trump’s father, who made his fortune evicting people from their homes; now it ends with his son getting evicted from not one, but two houses in one month. In other words, God exists and has a very good sense of humor about all of this.”
“I hope he winds up sharing a duplex in New Jersey with Rudy and the ‘My Pillow’ guy.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“OK, that is a low blow. Do you know how crushing it must be for Florida to reject you as a citizen? ‘Look, we’ll take the guy that kickboxes alligators, but that Donald Trump guy is too much.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“But, from the bottom of my heart, poor Trump, man. New York doesn’t want him, Mar-a-Lago doesn’t want him. The only places that would take him are states that he wants nothing to do with. I mean, if he actually tried to live in the heartland, he’d be on a flight to Saudi Arabia the next day. [imitating Trump] ‘This is my kind of place. Everything is covered in gold, and all the reporters are so polite. How do they enforce that? So great, so cool.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“It’s just amazing. New Yorkers don’t want him in New York, his neighbors don’t want him at Mar-a-Lago. This is like one of those ironic punishments for a racist on ‘The Twilight Zone’: ‘We do have a hacienda available in Mexico City.’ [imitating Trump] ‘No!’” — SETH MEYERS
“He’s going to be our first nomadic ex-president. Remember how everyone made fun of Hillary Clinton for taking a walk in the woods after she lost? Trump’s going to have to live in the woods. Years from now, a group of hikers are going to find him holed up in a cave with a long beard doing rallies for a bunch of pole cats: [as Trump] ‘We love the ferrets, don’t we, folks? Natural allies. But the skunks, how do we feel about the skunks? Not nice. Not nice, the skunks.’” — SETH MEYERS
“Neighbors are like, ‘This is a classy area. We can’t be associated with a one-term president.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“I’m not surprised nobody wants Trump living next door. Most neighbors ask to borrow some sugar; Trump’s like, ‘Can I borrow 400 million dollars?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“It would be ironic, though, if Trump does move there and then his neighbors build a giant wall next to him.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Can you imagine not being allowed to live somewhere in Florida? That’s dark, man. That’s dark.” — JAMES CORDEN
“Do you know where they want him to go? Far-a-Lago.” — JAMES CORDEN
The Punchiest Punchlines (All His Own Rants Edition)
“While he was on set, Cruise noticed two members — two crew members standing too close to one another in front of a computer screen, violating the movie’s strict Covid-19 safety protocols. Which, to be fair, are hard to see, because they’re ghost protocols.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Tom Cruise’s on-set Covid-19 rant
“Now some people are saying this is a bad look for Tom Cruise, but I disagree. Because, yeah, he’s mad, but it’s for a good cause. It’s like getting recorded screaming, ‘You guys are in big trouble if we don’t get these toys to the children’s hospital! I want to see happy kids, or you’ll never work in this town again!’ You’re angry, but for the right reason.” — TREVOR NOAH
“But for real, if anything, this should teach people just how serious this corona [expletive] is, because, remember, Tom Cruise is not scared of anything. This dude hangs off the side of a plane like it was any other Tuesday. He’s even brave enough to put his dirty shoes on a Black woman’s couch.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Yeah, wow. If Tom Cruise worked in the White House we could have had the vaccine back in April.” — JIMMY FALLON
“For the last nine months, that’s pretty much how Dr. Fauci has felt on the inside.” — JIMMY FALLON
“What’s amazing is when Tom delivered that rant he was hanging off a 163-story building.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Now, as intense as that sounds — and it does sound intense — that’s just the audio. He said all of that while halo jumping from a C-17 onto the minute hand of Big Ben. Yes, Tom Cruise does all of his own rants.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Now, the recording goes on for more than three minutes. Much like the ‘Mission: Impossible’ franchise itself, it gets kind of repetitive, but it never lets up on the adrenaline.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Samantha Bee dedicated Wednesday’s “Full Frontal” episode to the Georgia runoff elections.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
President-elect Joseph R. Biden Jr. and the incoming first lady, Dr. Jill Biden, will check in with Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s “Late Show.”
Also, Check This Out
Leslie Jones, Hannibal Buress and Cole Escola were among the best comedians providing much-needed levity and laughter in an otherwise bleak 2020.
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