• Tue. Jan 18th, 2022

"Placed Car Jumper Cables on Penis" and Other Weird/Painful Things People Did to Their Dicks in 2021

Jan 4, 2022

Say what you will about penises, but those things are pretty special. Not only do they give pleasure and help populate the world, but they also keep their owners very, very entertained. So entertained, in fact, that penis-havers sometimes do strange things in the name of penial pleasure. And unfortunately, things don’t always turn out how they (or the porn that could have inspired said ideas) thought they would.

A couple of days ago, Defector rounded up some of the bizarre, twisted, and downright shudder-inducing things Americans did to their penises in 2021, according to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. And well, it’s, a lot. So here’s the rundown of what the ER documented, along with some of our much-needed commentary and questions. Read with caution.

1. “Was moving Christmas decorations and fell down a flight of ten steps straddling the post of the banister.” If this isn’t a scene out of basically every slapstick humor Christmas movie, IDK what is. What’s next? Their penis grew three sizes that day?

2. “Put padlock on penis with no key and unable to remove it. Lock removed by locksmith.” This sounds like some kinky BDSM-y shit I don’t totally hate.

3. “Put a shower curtain ring on his penis and now can’t get it off.” I don’t know who needs to hear this, but buying a cock ring is probably cheaper than an ER visit—to each their own I guess.

4. “States he has been masturbating at least daily during COVID pandemic because this is the only way he is able to relieve stress. States he used a hand job sex toy and has since been having penile pain as well as intermittent dull ache in testicles.” One word: relatable.

7. “Tried to cut penis off with trauma shears in his sleep.” And here I thought my nightmare about getting back together with my ex was scary.

8. “Drilling wood when he accidentally dropped the drill onto his groin.” Can confirm this is probs not the type of drilling he typically does with his penis.

9. “Washed his genitals with industrial laundry detergent.” A for effort, F for execution.

10. “Was moving things around his living room when he fell, knocking a glass vase on the ground which shattered, then fell onto the shards sustaining lacerations to penis.” The only thing worse than breaking your prized vase is breaking it and then basically rolling your genitals around in the shards of glass. A Shakespearian tragedy indeed.

11. “Was riding a roller coaster on vacation and the safety bar was not locked completely, he moved around during the ride and hit his testicles multiple times.” I’d love to see what his face looked like on his rollercoaster pic.

12. “Crashed bike. Bike is missing the seat and has only the metal bar. Fell onto the metal bar during crash.” But did he wear a helmet?

13. “Using measuring tape and penis was caught by tape.” This was either a) a dare or b) an attempt to get useful information for his most recent Tinder match.

14. “Was boiling hot water and accidentally stepped on his dog’s foot and the dog yelped and startled him causing him to tip the water over. Burn to penis.” To be fair, stepping on your dog’s foot is grounds for cruel and unusual punishment.

15. “Was naked getting items out of his closet and a glass figurine fell onto his testicles.” He should have pulled a Marie Kondo and decluttered when he had the chance.

16. “Penis has been stuck in hard plastic bottle with narrow opening for past 3 days. Does not recall how he got his penis stuck in bottle.” But how did he pee? How did he wear pants? What type of bottle was it? Someone alert the producers of Unsolved Mysteries stat.

17. “Penis pain due to placing car jumper cables on penis.” I mean, electrical stimulation is a thing—but from your car jumper cables? Nah, man. Nah.

18. “Was helping his friend move some stuff in the dark so had to use flashlights. When one of the flashlights would not go out, he tried to take the battery out when battery acid got on his penis.” And this is exactly why I never offer to help people move.

19. “Put a rubber band around his penis during sex and forgot to take it off and went to sleep with it on.” The first rule of using a rubber band as a cock ring: don’t.

20. “Had intercourse with wife. Had rubber band on base of penis. Took off to orgasm and noticed bruising then went snowmobiling.” Retweet what I said up there ^^^.

21. “While playing basketball he hit his own testicles.” Isn’t the point of the sport to play with other balls?

22. “Was going to the bathroom with his hoverboard underneath him when the hoverboard started and dragged him on the floor on his belly. Now with blood coming out of the base of his penis, as well as blood coming out of the top of his penis. And just like that, proof the ER has truly seen it all.

So no matter how your 2021 unfolded, at least you didn’t get your genitals stuck in a bottle for almost half a week or cut by shears. Perspective, people!

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